Life seems to be good to me. I have a new job at Citibank which I have settled in. The hours are almost the same as the previous one, but very manageable....they pay me well ...I don't have to drive to work anymore as the train station is literally a stone throw away....and yet....

My previous posts are but a shroud, hiding away the shame I faced, the truth about me and the one person I told I would not hurt ...

....the love who stood steadfast and unconditional for me.... the one that I failed ...again...

I do not want to put on this masquerade any longer.

I found in her all the happiness that I ever wanted ...and again.... I lost the very foundation of my life for the past year...

She has loved me, hated me and forgiven me but I have lost the most truthful and loving person I had ever met. What she said is undeniably true....she has done nothing but love me...

I constantly read and re-read her letters and emails...written from the heart ....there is no doubt about of the immeasurable pain I had caused....for someone whose every word are carved out of love, sincerity and selflessness...every letter I read drives the nail even deeper into my heart...

I am forgiven as I am told, but somehow, that leaves me with a deeper cut.... it drives into the very core....what grieves me more than my own failing is the inescapable truth that ...

she has let me go and there is nothing I can do about it now.... because I first let her go...again....forced her away....ran away... in any permutation, the same result.... she hurt because of me.... for which I hope to atone for someday...

I have hoped for our future together and in my doing so, the consequences from which now I must shoulder....